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Furry Krtak In Forest Fr*nzy 

Two-Headed Squirrel 
Attacks Two 
At Once! 


[ See Page 2 j 

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Polar Hear 


lj'l DlfcV.Y kiltl/irtl! Over 


/ CnaiMc A Row, 

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And many, mao}! nme. nil on 
AttJuf ’liifi i'DaJ ■ 

Sl i ii. I SWJ4.M H.V 


Vlisenabk M••• 

3074 Melody Lcine 

L#u!smn<i 63927 

Hfc* fhrt are motor 


irirHiaq them with ihe 

A mysterious force emanfri ng 
from phone lines apparently has the 
power to turn even rocket scientists 

into tfjushr fur-brains morons! 

Representatives from the phone 
company refused to discuss this 
lai^MCale lobutom^ but irrefutable 
tumor lias it that they air actually 
space aliens who have taken control 
of f!i-’ irreplaceable institution. 

“I'm positive that they’re from 

outer space!' said Dr. Raoul tj.|uii io?l, 
a tinted Fferowta iilientolo^stTPick- 
ing the phone company for their 
takeover was definitely 'the ri.ujtit 
choice' for them!” 

According to Dr, Equinox, this 
extracurricular extraterrestrial aetiv- 
ity begun back in ID IT, around the 
rime of the first I. TO sighting, OnCe 
they completed their takeover, they 
began sending a ■fifreyefes humming 
sound over the phone fines, 

"This synapse sizjfmg signal has 
ihe power to turn t he popul aticMi into 
driveling dolts. Anyone who is near 
a phone or phone line is sure to lie 
affected by it." 

Dr. Equinox faints to the events 
of the last 50 ysirs to back him up. 
"Hasn't the world become a stupid* 
place to Sice ini' ]jook at whatS taken 
place since 1947, "there was 
McCarthy]sm in the '50’ss the 
cancellation of Skr Trth, and lIk: 

1?jt Equinox^ fiaph pft>v*i ,• Sturt (Ht a.utiri 
pafwiiiii/H rjdS iviV.,iKv axt i llttpi&cr 

non J 04 7. 

popularity of bell-bottums i a the 
'(SO’s, Watergate, pet rocks, and 
washable leisure suits in the 70s, 
rainforest destruction, 'Bahv On 
Board' stickers, iitsd the popularityuf 
tabloids in the ’SOs. time-share 
condos in dating 
sendees, and the nose-glasses boom 
in tfie ‘90s... die list goes on. 

"We've gijt to hang up on these 
Ictf^gidHstarice operators before'they 
ccinp&tely disconnect ,>j! 

Jft t4-yenr-ol<d boy fried to 
warder his p^rynly—by 
laying three dozen eggs hi their 
microwave ntsrn! 

Police said that Kenny Kiingsk-r 
batched the plot after an Argument 
n : ifh j bh »7t»n and dad about iffby he 
couldn't h-tU‘ Twinbies for breakfast. 
The tmmge terminator unites! unfit 
they mre m the kitchen he/ore 
putting fits neaHffitat feast in the 

mkmtuiw. and taming if on. 

“It urn no acckteni - Kenny kneu-' 

that eggs explode in mfcmit-wre 
ovens. ’suit Se^eonf ji&ax Moniker: 

If hit scheme had worked r his 
parents WOttld hsi>e been shells of 
ihett former selzv-s ." 

Luckily ihe Kimgsfers left the 
kikdien to anstvert-hc doorbell—only 
Seconds before- ihe deadly hniebfut 
exploded. The empting eggs made 

more noise than a PLO birthday 

"l-fe thought t-errvnits had imsided 
OUT kitchen f Said e shaken Airs. 

As it turned oat, j ‘here acre no 
ienvnsfs —just a bhyearoid raffles 
egg, hiding in his bedroom, vhen- 
police arrested him. 







It’s oil 
in the 

E xperts agree that it's only a 
lUnliSTofunte before fitment :y 
andcoins udibecame extinct*. 

That t because the popularity 
Of CssbCards™ bus forced dollar: 
and cents to go she way of the bine 
whste, the ozone layer, and the $S. 00 
candy for, 

Here ure fist a few examples of 
the bang (if this bmad-neu, hack: 

■ The us Mint hits cOPtpleteiy 
stoppedprtndng trmitey "Their main 
office is fours to one employee'' said 
a source. "A nd she's doing her raids a 
Jot these dap ." 

* Yukophobia. or fear of germs on 

money foe spread thmughemi ifo 
uodd. 'Victims think that money it a 
gross mtiorktiproduct;' 'said Dr. Max 
Shy sock, i (Sr expert on the subject. 

• One-pocket dotting fos sud¬ 
denly become the fashion tags. 
Since nobody 's carrying money 
these dap,you don i need fourpock- 
elt,"said fashion expert MelN- Colin. 
X fsrthQmP is a lat smaller than a 
big uad of money asdynu can ahitryt 
find out wfotyr.wr ap-to-date foksnce 
is by looking at it. Besides, dnrrency 
bulge ' is not only unsightly, it .t 

■ Panhandlers are na longer Ask¬ 
ing for "spare changed but for 
‘'spare chargean a GvkQtnt 

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Change did him good 

ARTIST'S eOHCienOH *t hnw w.„-Fu] Watt hh wWrite. 

trapped HisWt his Over¬ 
turned! Toyota, Walt 
Wbeetle managed to dis¬ 
mantle the car and tree Mm- 
self—hy using I dime as a 

"Guess nrv tiic k at worth it 
dulled gushed the whosung Whcdifi, 
as Etc recalled thewid, wtlictl atlso 
■vAv him lid*amt'sw« hit to Survive! 

t he om ml mg, wreckers pLLa hr 
> a:-i: v. I M-I- hi ■ TV', :":li 
wf road near WinnemuDca, Nervaia, 
and honied upsidedawn in a f.ivuY- 

Firmed in the wreckage, unable to 
move anything hut hi.? left arm, 
Whct-Sie searched his pockets and 
found the lucky di me. 

I went to work on tile ear right 
sway.' said die jolly junker. "Lucky 
for mr I had a tew- loots Strews m 
scart with." 

Wheelie used die dime m unscrew 
the dashboard, steering wheel, 
piwn^'r seal rmd door panel. He 
quendwdhis thirst by licking the r at 
of a wet rat, who was making a uest 
(Hit of the upholstery. 

Aflfir three days, tE*e monetary 
mechanic finally removed the 
jiasSengcr door, dimlwd oul of the 
wreckage. then walked three miles 
to a truck stop. 

Thinking that his lucky dime 
couldn't miss, WheeJic tried it in a 
LOt slot machine. 

“1 wo lemons and a watermelon;' 
Hcghed Wheelte. "Guess thut dime 
only had &0 much Suck in if," 


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HUB. $>14.04 fftlFO|l III UdHdllwg- 

A stroke of luck! 

L ucky Lenny Lurdnche was 

_ struck bv n Hghlmng holt — 

ami md only survived; but fawnd that 
bis broken gtssses tiers gnodas new- 
"I cOttidn'i heist re my eyes, ” 
laughed Lenny, of Md&fr Upon- 
Ibdit. Ungiond. ''1 guess that s a sign 
for me not to 'bait 7 my food!" 

He/tnv ins electric encounter, the 
witty Brit Sv pomny^incke-s 
that he couldn't afford to have his 
cwtk&t bmd ommwstt mpl&oed. 

Hitt st walk m a thunderstorm 
changed his outlook in <\ /tilth. A 
lightning holt hit Lenny right on 
his metal-rimmed magnifiers, 
knocking him out. 

When hi ? ettftte io, he found that 
he was wnharmed. and that the 
foTtmriy-jmotumd knees bod fused! 

•There U-SllTi li so much as even 
the tiniest (lack. " said Lenny w ho 
(QuidsI i help bid crock a smile. 

an indent interg^Qact^a 
Cotuy | 
ot the) 

(inaction in thx; scikr swfertv, li^lic 

Hirtln mimllth MA4I EOT Mt 

1 97T. 

The new photoj-’rifij iliN wetie tultjen 
irt (lie : : jrnc let at Lon where iwmy 
ytafs earlkr. tin American Vilinti 1 
Of biter took photos oE" & .LNint human 

Bus. these new photos* not nmly 
•show the face in greater cfctjil, tlv*y 
also s-ituw what appear 1 , to be agjnjttp 
ud pj'famitls, w'Jth araiSiradci'ntr'hect- 

i[],u them to the* face! 

“"f "his oxili.I only be an amusement 
[jarJji* ynid Wsst Gfifirmn scientist Dr. 
Ktitlfblt KiKi'o^nide. ""The face is 
pmhably the entrance to some sort 
of L Fi,in House.' 

"1 lie jiiwes that even i^are altTfis 
lite CO havie ^ood. ele-an fun. It was 
probably tfie second mrat popular 

after the sayru® on Venus."’ 

The Rftt [xobe to the [ic'd plarer 
aLso revealed gondolas U 1 the Martian 
canab, a fiKt llitit oxild Lescl to the 
discovery of ii quaint village- for 
rerifeiJ iiliens. "Mair coot:] prove to 
he sheodiiinii] [j.'isurc: WlutIlI. iiLitH^ 
Uf. Rttru^rude. 

1 tow did the aliens amuse LhttU- 
.wtves wish fynttttids? "They prob 
ably sjsed cbern iis launching 
platforms to j>l> harag-giiding in 
those hundred mdlearhhour Martian 
winds;" said Dr. Hettograde. 

"Also, they could fiave used them 
for games of 'Leap F togf wish Mhjs’ 
ligfit gravirational pull. 

“"WftiL maybe not Ijsap but 
' Leap Something '," he added. 

Unfnrhmatt'ly for science, the 
securityco nsd ous ffommies, refi cieif 
to release am 1 of rhf: phoros. 

"Without them, we wsjn'r Lc able 
to prove Loonchisively that the aliens 
sold ontron L,:andy and ballcxios;' said 
the anguished astronomer, 


OZens of contestants had 
their hopes of fame and for¬ 
tune dashed as BigfOoi outlasted 
them to set a sea? world record for 
non-stop kissing. 

I he- necking neanderthal took the 
$25 000 prize with an S# tout, 22 
minute iiplock. His Snaky partner, 
Ursula Mtddoon, a wildlife servke 
iaspic!or. said Bigfoot gnt the idea 
from a newspaper discarded hy a 
com per. 

lies gentle for such a big gup 
but he kisses rent different!' mid 
Middorm, mho mi! spend tor half of 
theprize on recotunmctiw dentistry 
"sort oflih a v*trm, wet coconut." 

After bis bait raising pictOfy 
dance., the puckering primate found 
the strength to kiss ail the judges and 
most of the journalists. lor a finale - , 
the smooching Sosqmtcb jumped 
straight Up to the ceding and hung 
fy his IfpiJvraftU five minutes. 

Tic-Me Turns Td 
Terrifying Treasure Try! 


in Egypt aMldentelly 
opened a secret pas- 

But just as r hp delighted djfjstem 
were mai ing thtdr way to a rouili tul] 
of treasure., a horrifying creature 
buried fhemotat! 

A Chinese news agency repeated 
that the two Egyptologists. hud 
been digging at a remote site near 
Ki±mNbi f Egypt. 

"Wd had a hard day at the digs;' 
said the leader, Dr. Leopold Wisk- 
bmm. "We Wife taking a break and 
playing tkHac-t* on a wall with a 
piece of chalk. Sudden]}', the wait 
Of’erfcd, repealing this giant tunnel. 

'■‘Hie Egyptians worshiped the eat, 
and oui L cats game* triggered SOOur 
sort of mechanism' Good thing it 
didn't call for Kitty Litre*!" 

The- surprised shewedara, gnibfceJ 


life* th*T wm*m m i>uptt if w*l 

a torch and mask- their way through 
die ominous opening. Bur just as 
they reached what appeared to fit a 
treasure filled room, they heart! a 
blood-curdling scream. 

It sounded I ike .some SOat of trea- 
turn in the room was either airsing 
us, or cursi ng at us" said Wffikhmrn. 

Suddenly, withnisr warning, the 
aeafiin: grahhed the would-be wedth 
walkjwcrs and threw them out of the 

Draining disease takes many strange ne w forms 

1947 57 < 5 ? 77 57 97 

7'Jifl pafm&tfiiy of m?zr glasmi bas be *rr 

ifesdity rjccnevrjj'nf line* J 04 7. ixpr.rLi 

cured the Unn« HM| 
Put n» cure is in sioAt 
•w an even mere common 
MUmeitt good oT |et lag. 

In feet, as stress researchers. Study 
this mileage malady, even more 
brain-and body-hogglillg Symptoms 
have appeared! 

Here’s a par rial rundown of the 
new symptoms that jumbo jet- 
jumpfirs should be -aware of: 

* Everyone on planes well rend to 
look alike, “To jet lagged jeilyheads. 

it appears that the same people am 
flying with them everywhere, hut 
thrat is really nc< the Cast" says stress 
rescarciff Dr, Hans Komnutt. "This 
.symptom may be related rr> the fact 
that all airlines have merged into 
Air Airlines., As a result, all the a-r 
pJanes and airports tank alike, and 
hence, the passengers start looking 
dike, too.” 

* Victicm: will tend bo I rave items 
behind On planes. "Cleanup craws ate 
having a field day’’ said an anony¬ 
mous airline employee. "They're 

finding so marly wallets, purses, 
sunglasses, lighters, and tickets, lt^ 
like the shopping Spree on Wheel Of 

* Stewardesses will appear to he 
fouhempeted. "They suffer from jet 
lag just US much as- the pasiEngers" 
says ex-Stewardess Delta Eastern, 

“Some passengers seem to think 
it's funny lo make a big mens for 
the poor stewardess to dean up. 
No wOtuler so many coffee refills 
‘acdifetrtaEy’ end up in the- passen¬ 
gers’ laps-!’ 1 

The asronEshed archaeologists 
feuded unharmed a few yards outside 
the opening. But when they went 
back to die perilous passageway, they 
found that the opening had dosed. 

"'sVc rried playing more games of 
tic-tac-KK, but it was no use!,' said rlie 
woeful Wiskbriitn. 'The creature 
inside had apparently changed the 
triggering mecha ntaa . So now; we're 
trying a different approach. 

"Were playing Hangman instead! 

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H tMnK that he built in 
litter planetary space 
ship-wltli the help »f two 

“These two gals puff-putted inK> 
my shop with tfiis VW van,' said 
Ot (0 Lugruich, who was lulling a cat 

their van into a space ship. 

“I laughed so hard, I squirted 
mwdf tit (be face with my grease 

The giggling greaaemtKakey'a 
laughfier ■qiiit’kly faded when one of 
the cosmic CO-eds pulled Out a set of 
iristrueriims^SheSiikl thill the plaits 

manuals before, bur I his wis ihe 
foreignest rhaig I've ever seen"” 
After studying the instructions, 
Otto found that he had everything 
he needed in his shop, and quickly 
went to vvnrl;. “Tacky for me, die 
gum machine was full, Y it use (he 
instructkais called for laqge amounts 

assisted by the comely collegiate 
c li tics, wbn somehow found time to 
make two space suits, "Ir took us 
about a week of ratchef thrashing 
labor to finish everything" said the 
ornery Otto. 

“All in all. :t was quite a wrenching 

for a rest drive, We Started it up, 
rhill?;lug yk were going around the 
block. Next thing I knew, we woe 
going around the moon!" 

The galactic yals landed the 
vihutiqg win back cm Earth, thanked 
OTlO, lu rJ Look oh, "Sometimes I wish 

I d gone with thenl 7 lie sighetl. 

at the umc. "I asked them it they w given ro litem by alien* in a 
wanted their valves adj usted. In it they dream. 

said no, they wanted me ro convert “Now, I've seen some foreign car 

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KihwHi Ami r Mlcnn»iin 


The swe-jawed service stationer 
toiled 'ncuind-Eheclock Oil (he van. 

Finally, thpy rfo-stled ro tab (he van 

T IL bet their mileage is ouc-of- 


But did they 'bet their lives ? 


A awpk- of cmzy college kids 
. palled the pnfr)i of the 
ggntUty by plsibtg a huge pair of 
ttQSfrgbttm right On the 70 Mg of 

the Sphtnx 1 

Tourists end vilkgen alike were 
dtHtthfifunded as the original Geezer 
of Grza tms transformed oi-'emigbt 
into the spittm " image of the joke- 
cra eking Man Brother! 

Rut now the not-so Trseery pmnk- 
sters /aw a lengthy ptii term o-r ei-en 
(7 death sentence, b&Oaitse the 
Fgyplmn government frowns on 
vandalism to Wtuinat treastires like 

the Sphinx. 

,J W& re-faced the Sphtnx — as- 
dtdn t deface it! said one of tha 
Sphinx-terSf Mahmud Mvkhnnk. 
who was caught as he fed the teem 

of the crime. 

"Both of us had sumtner fobs Hi 
telephone Un-emen, Uv; got this 
bright idea that it would bi goodfor 
cultural nieiiom to put rtosegktssei 
on the Sphinx. Th&n. m amogoing 
to invite the Egypt urns to put- a turban 
on the Staim of Liberty! 

"Gun o if turned out to he- a pretty 
dumb idea utteridir 

Golfing guru and 
slicing shrnmn 

Holy Men 
Seek God 
On The Golf 

an African witch d«ri*r 
claim to experience i 
higher farm of conscieus- 
nesi-bf playing IS hales 
0# N«4ft 

The <kfvw.5t duffera meet icgylarly 
ar golf ■courses around the world, 
amazing ipnlookers with tbesr 
mystical feats—and: rhfir incredibly 
low scones, 

"Thev don't even need a go^ 
cart they just tloac aroiuid the 
course^ grumbled teed-oftf caddy 
Lance Lugakit. 

' But I gotta hand Jt to those holy 
ralkts they afwaw; sftoot in the high 
WCrtS and low twenties.’ 1 

"I've even seen them get two holes 
in one—on the same ball 1” 

The pious putters claim that 
golfing is actually a high form oi 
meditation, and that they use psy- 
drofeinetic ability to direct the flight 
of the golf hall, 

"The secret is in my book, Hose 
To Raise Your Comcmamss And 
Lower Your Golf Score'' com¬ 
mented dub-toting chanter Swami 

The aha[isun. Nemo SLictnmon, 
&ivs that their radical golf techniques 
are actually nothing new. “These 
methods, and many others, wore 
iaughi to my tribe by the Anrsimr 
Ones fflrtr W miHenia ago!' said the 
■ftcodwtelding witch doctor. 

Eilat’s next for these cagey sages?' 
"Like ail beings, the two of lk are 
seeking perfection" sad the swinging 

“The day we each shoor a Sffine of 
one, we believe we will tome face- 
to-face with The Divine Duffer 

WW9 DUil BETTER THU MET H#t quit!, «T H q MfM *■«*=, who 

fl wnj hA •■W 41s is ftiriTf 

d«$t of fKtllcmcnt 
when they were meiiaiei 
by a vicious twP-hcMe4 

ripped Hector and Sheila Needle- 
bajums trjir wide open, then ctymenal 
the terrified teneiterg while ir tfied 
to decide who to attack. 

"It couldn’t make up its minds!,' 
siikl Sheila. "One head would lunge 

other would lunge for Hector. 

"1 thought it was going to split 
itself in half.' 


The rowdy rodent finally decided 
to leap at both Hector and Sheila at 
the same time. When it landed 
between tlx- unhappy campers, they 
dashed out the tent door and jumped 
into their car. 

But | ust when they thought they 
were safe, the multi-headed mammal 
ripped through their convertible top. 
As Sheila looked on in horror, the 
bushy-tailed bully bit Hector’s 
hairpiece with one head, and his oar 
lobe w’rth the other ! 

Sheila grabbed the Siamese 
squired by the tail and threw it out 
rhe window, l> she rushed poor 
Hector to the hospital. 

“After ah, I didn't wans him to 
come down with a double dose of 
rabies^ she said. 

The twin-noggined nutcracker 

for me, while at the same time the 

Molitrs Sing For 
Reuning Dolphins! 

^^Bhitors to I'fii tttv iwXM Unfit* 
the speU of singing gondo¬ 
liers armtatv that their megestic 
mefodwt •m actually imatft jet the- 
tars of dolphins. 1 

Thebeanie mtny 0 j the bari¬ 
tone boatmen who haw fallen out 
of their boats Asr-I*- hem rescued fry 
these magnificent mammals. 

“Tourists think tats n; singing for 
{bent because they vegai money ;'' 
said gondolier Alberto Aibacom. 
“But the truth is. ux)e ready signal¬ 
ing the dolphins where attrgondoler. 
ere, in ease m km mrbalmc* amt 

fill out, 

Alberto himself was once rescued 
fythepiarfidparpppei, who trudged 
the gurglinggondcUe r U> safety after 
he hailed out of bit leaky front, 

The singing gondolier is a nice, 
romantic image, "said the no cal 

Venetian. “But toe- h- only doing it 
because it s a let better than becom¬ 
ing j is h food. 

“In fad. half the gondoliers these 
days can't eien cany a tune, frut they 
sing avtay anyway ." 

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Achieve Higher Consciousness 
And Lower Golf Scores! 

Have you » wished you could 
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Have you ever wished you 
could shoot a '28? 

I am here n> ted you that you 
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My name is Swami Holan- 
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s/ioiifjwu is the innate power 
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you resides a Higher Seif 
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ft's ail in my book How To 
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How 7b Choose A Path 7b Inner 


How lb Choose A Path To The 
19th Hole 


How Jo Keep Ybur Mind From 


How To Keep Your Shot From 


How To Avoid Attachment 7b 
Ait/Serial Things 


How 7b Avoid Sandtmps 

How "fb Find Tine Happiness How "th Get Rid Of Bad Karma 

How To Find The Sweet Spot 


How lb Find The Answ ers fb Ail 
Your Questions 


How To Find A Caddy With A 
Good Aura 


How "to Know What Your live 
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How "to Know What Your Best 
Stance h 

How To Get Rid Of That Slice In 
Your Drive 


What lb Do IfYburLife Encoun¬ 
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What To Do If You r Goff Ball 

Encounters A Water Hazard 


A Simple Technique For Reaching 
A Relaxed State 


A Simple Technique hr Reaching 
The Green 


*Your book is amazingI After 
reading just the first four chap¬ 
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water hazards !"- G. L r K'icasso, 

"'.'Vrjw- when / play guff, / don't 
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gulfe/ub selects meC-D.G.. Bos - 
ton, Massachusetts 

"I especially enjoyed the chapter 
on “How To Clean Your Karma 
And Ybur Golf CfeatsT-G./C, 
A hoana, Pennsylvania 

"After reading your book, I went 
out and shot a 24-using the other 
end of the golf cl ubs !"- K. R ., 
Guafala, California 

"I read Chapter One ■„ then beat 
my boss by 40 strokes. He ft red 
me. Then, I read Chapter Two. 
and realized that I didn't need 
The Job atnwiiy!-D.M., RgrtU, 

“More eagles-and less ego- 
thats what your book has given 
me! - VC., San Francisco „ CA 


Read my book, and keep your 
life-and your golf game-out of 
the rough' Send me only $9. 95 r 
and Fit rush you a copy of my 
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Peace be with you , and may 
the waters of divine bliss , flood 
the sandttaps of 

SmiSHM ki: 


lil Li'-ilpikm 

Kji =njrulu. Nepal 


O OjlT-CV kf.'t if l h-AiiW tCttjVUf 0*11 

I * 1 1 i',nul' [Vu 'll I'vnu H, l 1 , 1 T|- 1 1 !IiTr-il' i'jI fi". 1 

1 urttwjiim [jit lilt r^tlfr mfnvtt EwsgjBfai fAArrir.v, ZM, McKfltcflf'l <vwtrhs Alien nrf nftju'tajilm fo.j.